school is suffocating me.
it's like the people i hang out with are out to get me so they can force alcohol down my throat and scribble over my face with makeup. the guys i think are cute are beyond quiet, and somehow i lack the ability to go up and talk to them. something about the girls i hang out with just... prevents me, almost, from hanging out with other people. what happened to those nice days when everyone was friends? i miss it. high school is ripping apart my individuality and forcing me to become a conformist. WHAT IS THIS??

i miss being able to express myself, and to just be natural around my friends. i miss laughing at the stupidest things and not having people look at you like you're psychotic. i miss sitting outside on the warm tarmac, the sun's rays enveloping me in golden light, making another seizure video... what happened to those days? slipped out of my grasp so fast...

sometimes i sit in the car, staring out at the world around me. and i realize, the world keeps moving. it just keeps moving on and on... methodically almost, continually. and i'm just there in the car, looking out at the lights. it makes me feel kind of insignificant, but in a comforting way. like, when i realize i'm so small compared to the world, people just seem like a mass of disconnecting thoughts. and who cares what they think? i can be who i want to be. it's not like anyone will give a shit.

the sweets by the yeah yeah yeahs... it's playing in the background, a base for the solo of my typing sounds. and it springs to mind, the time when my itunes was under examination by one of the girls... and i've often thought, the yeah yeah yeahs are a great expression of my feelings sometimes. a raw, edgy, female voice against a backing of hard guitar and heavy drums. and at the time, the girl told me that she loved them too. so i asked her if she liked the song y-control, which is quite famous, especially being arguably the most successful single from their first album, i assumed she would know. however she had no idea what i was talking about. later days, browsing through her itunes, i realized she only had maps. the one off rockband. honestly? come on. even my 12 year old sister can do better than that.

the legend about the red string round the pinky of your finger... how it's supposedly connected to your soulmate? it keeps floating around my mind these days... i can almost FEEL the string round my right pinky! i wonder if he's on the other end... or maybe it's just my wishful thinking. i mean, he did write a poem about another girl... i don't know who it is, but the poem involved a "needed kiss". i hope i just have crappy inferencing skills, but i don't think even a poem can be taken that far from literality.

but either way, i can't ever see him again. it's quite ironic, how you thought your friend was a real bitch, but in reality it's not the daughter, but the mother. a grown woman in her late 40's, stooping to the ultimate low of spreading shit about her friend's daughter? i guess there's nothing the world hasn't seen before, is there? oh, cruel fate. not like we would have worked out anyways. there's something about two people being too alike that sets them so far apart in the end.